1. About how to properly dress a hot dog:
"Nobody, I mean nobody, puts ketchup on a hot dog." - Clint Eastwood, as Dirty Harry in Sudden Impact
I think he said this after tackling some lowlife who had just tried to steal a hot dog. I could be wrong.
More Dirty Harry wisdom:
"You're thinking 'did he fire six shots or only five?' Now to tell you the truth I forgot myself in all this excitement. But being this is a.44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world and will blow your head clean off, you've gotta ask yourself a question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?"
I'm pretty sure the young villain returned the dog to its rightful owner. I could be wrong.
2. In today's uncertain culinary climate where all kinds of unlikely foods are turned into WMDs (weapons of mealtime destruction), my friend Janet Riley's pithy statement, made eight years ago, is more meaningful than ever. She said this after some scofflaw threw a hot dog at Tiger Woods during a minor golf tournament.
"The use of an iconic food in an act of violence against an iconic golfer like Tiger Woods is reprehensible -- and a violation of hot dog etiquette. Some might call the thrower a 'wiener,' but we'd say that's too high a compliment. Hot dogs are meant to be enjoyed -- not weaponized." - Janet Riley, NHDSC Queen of Wien, 2011 ESPN Quote of the Year
The villain in this escapade, a careless young man named Brandon Kelly, was captured and confessed, “I threw the hot dog toward Tiger Woods because I was inspired by the movie ‘Drive.' As soon as the movie ended, I thought to myself, ‘I have to do something courageous and epic. I have to throw a hot dog on the green in front of Tiger.'”
Kelly was arrested for wasting a perfectly good dog. Rumor has it that justice was served.
3. Art Donovan teaching prospective NFL Hall of Famers the proper diet for true sports greatness:
"For the past 45 years I haven’t eaten anything but kosher salami, kosher bologna, corned beef, cheeseburgers, hot dogs, pizza, and, like I said, french fries, my concession to the vegetable family." - Art Donovan, Professional Football Hall of Fame
Donovan was American football defensive tackle who was drafted in 1947 and played for three National Football League teams, most notably the Baltimore Colts. He was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1968. Prior to that he was inducted into the U.S. Marine Corps Sports Hall of Fame. His nickname was 'Bulldog.'
4. And how do you properly ask for a hot dog? Anthony Bourdain knew. It's "May I have a hot dog, please?"
"If you were to [walk] into any vendor of fine hot dogs, and ask for a hot dog sandwich, they would probably report you to the FBI." - Anthony Bourdain
Of course, the vendor would first douse you in those little packets of the accursed ketchup which he kept solely for those children eight years of age and under, staining you for life, before calling the FBI. Special agent Efrem Zimbalist, Jr. would have you deported as an undesirable alien. No court would overturn the decision.
5. When it comes to the proper and publically acceptable Fourth of July meal, President Dwight D. Eisenhower said it best:
"Some people wanted champagne and caviar when they should have beer and hot dogs." - Dwight D. Eisenhower
I like Ike. Have a great Fourth and remember the reason for the Holiday.